Top Ten Funny Christmas Quotes

There is humor to be found in all subjects, and Christmas is no exception. Comics from many generations have come up with their best quotes concerning Christmas. So if the hustle and bustle of the season is getting you down or there is just too much shopping, wrapping and baking left to do, be sure and take a minute to check out these funny Christmas quotes. They may be the best gift you give yourself this holiday season. While some quotes are laugh out loud funny others may just bring a wry smile to your face. If you find one you really love pass it on by email, word of mouth or even a Christmas card! Here are the top ten funny Christmas quotes in no particular order.

1.On getting presents-Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. :Phyllis Diller

2.On politicians and Christmas-The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.-Jay Leno

3.On trying to pay for those gifts-Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.-Anonymous

4.On family Christmas dynamics-Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.-W.C. Fields

5.On the dreaded fruitcake-The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.-Johnny Carson

6.On navigating the mall parking lot-Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.-Dave Barry

7.On aging at Christmas-You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.-Robert Paul

8.On celebrities and Santa Claus-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.-Shirley Temple

9.On getting that right gift for your child-This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you’d better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child’s antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you’ve seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.-Dave Barry

10.On regional Christmas differences-In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.”-Anonymous

Happy Holidays!



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